Saturday, August 12, 2017

From HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES?



"IT'S ALL IN THE HIPS, BOYS"
by William Snyder
© 2012 William Snyder

What did the governor of California say when he wanted to become a composer? 

I’ll be Bach. 

I’m sure I’m not the first person to come up with that bad pun. Makes you wonder. How many people did come up with the “I’ll be Bach” bit? At least five. I’ll bet no more than 5,000.


The point is I came up with the bad pun for Patel the orchestra guy. Coming up with bad puns is the kind of thing I do when I’m assigned to guard the restroom at a high school homecoming dance.


That’s right, Saturday night Patel the orchestra guy and I guarded the restrooms for the homecoming dance. The dance was quite an extravaganza. Search lights shot upward to the heavens from outside the entrance to the school gym while upwards of 600 teenagers danced the night away on the basketball court. It was a good night. I might add that the kids handled themselves in a manner far superior to your average group of 600 adults.


You might ask “How do you guard a restroom?” Our job was to make sure the boys and girls made it into the correct commodes.
Toward the end of the night a cop walked by. When I asked him how he was doing, he said, “Better than you. At least I’m not guarding a bathroom.”


Guys like this clown give cops a bad name.
As the night wore on, I began to search for ways to make things interesting. The orchestra guy and I got to know each other. Patel plays a ten thousand dollar cello, he’s carpeting his house next week, his brother is a struggling actor in Hollywood and his favorite color is periwinkle.


A half-dozen or so crying girls made their way to the restroom. I made it a point to tell them they didn’t have it so bad, that back in the day, my girlfriend ditched me at the prom for the mayor’s son in a silver corvette. If they were consoled by my little anecdote, they did a good job of concealing it.


I began giving the young men tips on dancing.


“Remember boys, it’s all in the hips, boys. Be sure to move the hips.” I told them.


I’ll bet some of them took my advice and improved their dancing on the spot. It is true, you know. Most guys don’t understand the importance of moving the hips. Even if it is true, I’m guessing some of the guys walked away saying to their dates, “That Snyder is a creepy old guy. He was talkin’ to me about movin my hips."


All I can say is I’m just a guy trying to do a job.


* The "I'll be Bach" bit made more sense when the governor of California had an Austrian accent.
* How Do You Like Them Apples? is available in Amazon.com for a measly 5 bucks.

AMAZON.COM: THEM APPLES

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